


Messaging, Masturbating, and Multitasking

by BagtheBagisnotaBag



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - No Sburb/Sgrub Sessions, Bulges and Nooks, Embedded Images, M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Self-Insert, Smut, Stress Relief, Trolls on Earth, he fucks himself, if you know what i mean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-23
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-07-01 11:16:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15773028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BagtheBagisnotaBag/pseuds/BagtheBagisnotaBag
Summary: Sometimes after a long day, Karkat just needs to destress in his pile and administer some tender self-care. For him, this involves gossiping with Eridan, jerking off, and multitasking.Yeah. He isn't going to live this one down."Slobbering bulge licking human Christ, how is he supposed to keep up a conversation when his bulge keeps brushing up against every nerve in his nook and his blood pusher is beating a wild tempo under his skin."





	Messaging, Masturbating, and Multitasking

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CriminalCryptid](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CriminalCryptid/gifts).



Karkat stomps through the door of his empty apartment and slams it behind him. He wants to scream. Wanting to scream is a constant state for him and normally he doesn’t resist but he’s found that when there’s no one to scream at when he’s just yelling obscenities to the empty room, it’s highly unsatisfying. 

So instead he starts shedding his work clothes. It’s his apartment and no one else lives here and he just. Does. Not. Care. He almost rips his tie pulling it off. Finally, he’s just down to his boxers. Though not great, it’s a slightly less uncomfortable state to be in. 

Work is just… ugh. He doesn’t want to think about it. He just isn’t cut out for customer service, but until he can get his degree it’s what he’s stuck with. He has to make money so he can eat. Food doesn’t just grow on trees you know. Except, oh wait! It does! 

He just gets so angry at all the stupid fucking customers. If one more human asks him what the hell grubloaf is… urrrrrgh!

He has not succeeded in forgetting about work. 

Karkat broods all the way to his bedroom - his fucking shithole of a human bedroom in his cheap as globes human apartment. It’s what he gets for being so far down the hemospectrum he’s practically a human himself. The room actually came equipt with a human bed - which of course he wasn’t allowed to just get rid of. His recuperacoon is shoved up against the back wall to make room for his desk and the giant ass slab of an unneeded cushion. Fucking bed. 

The bed has devolved into a dumping ground for all his clean washing and old textbooks, which means it actually makes a half decent pile. If he had anyone to pile with that is. Instead, he ends up using it as a napping platform for when his insomnia gets really bad and he falls asleep clutching his husktop and half hanging out of it.

He faceplants there now, and groans. Nine hours. Nine-hour shifts should be taken out back and shot. What the fuck was anyone thinking when the came up with nine hours. He wiggles himself deeper into the pile atop his human bed and unearths his husktop. When he tries to boot it he finds that the plug must have fallen out sometime yesterday and he groans louder. 

What has he done to be given this cruel existence. He snags the charger and jams it back into its charge hole. It’s going to be like _ten minutes_ before it’ll let him boot it back up. Fucking peachy. 

Though honestly, it’s marvelous to be horizontal again. His feet are killing him after the day he’s had. He wiggles around to get himself onto his back in the pile, the corner of a video game controller jabs into his spine, perfect. 

Now he just has to wait for the little orange light to turn to green. He scratches his stomach, feeling drowsy now that he’s finally gotten comfortable. There’s no chance he’ll just drift off though, if only he were that lucky. It takes to at least day three of sleepless nights for him to start falling asleep outside of his ‘coon. And even then he fights against it, it’s not worth the nightmares to sleep without spoor.

He traces the skin at the edge of his boxers. It’s easy to forget that he doesn’t have to leave them on anymore. He used to do the same stripping thing last year, back when he lived in a dorm. But he isn’t an ignoramus had the common decency to not flash his dorm mates every time he got home from work so the boxers always stayed on. Man, that was a weird time in his life, everyone in that dorm tended to wander around in naught but underwear. 

For example, Sollux - every time he opened Sollux’s room he would get a blast of heat from the beehouse mainframes and a flash of Sollux’s skinny chest. Even Dave wore more clothes than Sollux though he tended to only go for a shirt and boxers when he was in the dorm. 

Karkat guesses Eridan was the most respectable out of all of them in terms of how often you would catch him wandering around half naked. He was only ever undressed when he was walking out of the shower with one towel around his waist and one trying to cover the hair between his horns. 

Karkat’s hand inches further into his boxers. He doesn’t notice the husktop light blink to green. 

Karkat and Eridan had almost boned once, though Eridan had been drunk at the time which was too off-putting for Karkat to follow through. But it’s too late for that now. They don’t live together anymore and don’t see each other nearly as much. 

Karkat pets lightly over his bulge sheath pressing against the protective bone covering there. He’s always horny after work. No scratch that he’s always horny after being angry and frustrated for hours on end which is what work did to him. But he can’t exactly squeeze one out on his 15-minute break. Even he has more respect than that. So it isn’t a surprise when his bulge slipped out into his boxers in one oversensitive flow. He squeezes it lightly around the base and shivers. 

His eyes half closed but he still notices the green light telling him he can turn his husktop on now. Yesss. He fumbles to turn it on with his off hand. His other hand is occupied.

As soon as he logs in Eridan starts trolling him. Great. Perfect timing douchbag. Though it has been a while since they’ve talked. He squeezes his bulge once more then stills his hand. He may as well see what the sea troll wants.

\-- caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG] \--  


CA: thank human christ youre online  
CA: i am havving fuckin palpitations ovver here  
CA: did you see the post  
CA: did you see the fuckin facebook post davve had the audacity to put up  
\-- CG joined the chat! --  
CG: DUDE I JUST GOT BACK FROM WORK I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT  
CA: a course you havvent seen it a course i havve to suffer this atrocity alone

Jesus fuck. This does not sound important at all. Karkat’s bulge has tangled itself with his fingers and he squeezes it automatically. He is impatient to get back to what he was doing, but he’s also intrigued. What _has_ Dave posted to get Eridan in such a rut?

CG: WHAT HAS THE HUMAN BULGESTAIN DONE NOW  
CG: ITS ONLY A FACEBOOK POST HOW BAD CAN IT BE  
CA: davve and sol are going out  
CA: like official facebook going out wwho evven does that anymore  
CG: WHAT  
CG: WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN AND HOW THE FUCK WAS I NOT INFORMED  
CA: i knoww right this is bullship

What the fuck! Sollux is Karkat’s best friend and he’s honestly hurt Sollux didn’t tell him. He had squeezed his bulge reflexively in his shock and his bulge is now in a frenzy both from that and from his increased heart rate. It slips into the gap between two fingers and drips.

He opens his browser. It takes longer with only one hand and not his dominant hand at that but like hell is he getting splooge on his husktop, he learned that lesson years ago. And also fuck not masturbating, too. He deserves it after the day he’s had.

And there it is, “ _Dave Strider_ with _Sollux Captor_. In a Matespritship with Sollux Captor.” Well, he guesses that’s one way of telling the world. He likes the post. 

[](https://www.flickr.com/gp/158984122@N05/A0H69N)

CA: sol is such a pile of filth i knoww hes seem my trollings it says he joined the chat wwhich means he opened the bloody fucking window and yet he still wwont reply to me  
CA: im gonna strangle him wwhen i next sea him that fucking beach  
CG: CALM THE FUCK DOWN BRO  
CG: DONT MAKE ME GET CONCILIATORY ON YOUR ASS I WILL COME DOWN THERE AND SLAP YOU UPSIDE THE PAN  
CA: fuck you kar wwe dont need an auspistice im not evven black for him

Yeah, right. Karkat doesn’t believe that for one second. He lived with those two fuckers for a year. Karkat shifts further into the pile, clutching his husktop with one hand while making sure the other stays in his boxers. He’s probably going to regret jerking off in the pile again but he also can’t be fucked moving. He shoves his hand further down to stroke over the lips of his nook, sliding a finger inside. His bulge wraps around his wrist and squeezes.

CA: did he say he wwas black for me  
CA: comeon kar you cant leavve me out of the loop like that if hes anglin for my spades i havve a right to knoww  
CG: IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU TO CALM DOWN ONE MORE TIME  
CG: LOOK IM STAYING OUT OF YOUR QUADRANT DRAMA  
CG: I DONT KNOW WHERE SOLLUX STANDS IN TERMS OF QUADRANT FEELINGS HE DIDNT EVEN TELL ME HE WAS INTO DAVE  
CG: FUCKING DAVE STRIDER  
CG: I DIDNT EVEN THINK DAVE KNEW THERE WERE FOUR QUADRANTS LET ALONE WHAT ANY OF THEM EVEN WERE  
CA: thats wwhat ivve been tellin people  
CA: glubbin hell

Karkat shifts his hips. It feels marvelous to rock his finger in and out of his nook, the zings of pleasure spark up his spine and excite his bulge into trying to coil with his busy fingers. He compromises by pressing his bulge up against his stomach with his palm, rocking it in the slick gap while his fingers get to work slicking in and out of his nook. 

He keeps getting distracted by his chat with Eridan. But even so, he isn’t going to last.

CA: im almost tempted to call him  
CA: do you think i should call him  
CG: DO NOT FUCKING CALL HIM  
CG: IF YOU CALL HIM YOURE JUST GOING TO SHIT OUT YOUR HORMONAL EMOTIONS ALL OVER HIS NICE SHINY NEW RELATIONSHIP AND NONE OF US WANT THAT  
CA: but kar  
CG: IM AM PROTECTING ALL FUTURE ITERATIONS OF YOU BY TELLING YOU NOT TO CALL HIM  
CG: YOU CAN THANK ME LATER  
CA: ok fine youvve convvinced me  
CA: i just cant believve he didnt tell me  
CA: i had to find out like this glub  
CA: you arnt hiding any romantic endeavvors from me are you kar  
CG: I WISH

Ahh, a chance to vent. Like hell is he passing that up. He almost never gets a chance to talk about his own worries when chatting with Eridan. The dude will complain about anything if given the breathing room. Karkat stills his frantic fingering, just letting his bulge wrap and squeeze absently around his hand.

CG: NO IM STILL IN THE SAME SHITHOLE OF AN EMPTY APARTMENT  
CG: HOW WOULD I EVEN FIND TIME TO MEET NEW PEOPLE  
CG: BETWEEN WORK AND STUDY AND  
CG: OH YEAH  
CG: JUGGLING ALL THE GRIEVOUS WOES OF YOU PAN ADDLED DOUCHES IM FUCKING RUNNING OUT OF HOURS IN THE DAY  
CG: IM LUCKY I GET ANY SLEEP AT ALL  
CA: wwernt you wwriting something about pale romance turned pitch wwhen i last saww you howws that going  
CG: UGH DONT REMIND ME  
CG: IVE HAD TO PUT IT ON THE BACK BURNER TILL AT LEAST AFTER EXAMS  
CG: THERE IS JUST TOO MUCH OTHER SHIT GOING ON

Karkat’s bulge wriggles down the length of his finger. The tip explores, moving closer to more and more sensitive areas before the tip slides into his nook. It reminds him of what exactly he was doing when he decided to reply to Eridan. He could drop the chat but it’s actually kind of hot in a way. Eridan has no idea what he’s doing on his side of the screen. When his bulge slides further into his nook he doesn't stop it and when he sees Eridans purple text pop onto the screen he doesn't close the window. 

CA: i havve to say im not unfamiliar wwith the feeling of slowwly squeezing my pan out through my essays myself  
CA: my course is a fuckin nightmare  
CA: ivve had to wwrite six plays since march  
CA: six  
CA: wwhat the fuck do they wwant from me my fuckin soul  
CA: there is only so much prose i can shit out before i run out of shit

Karkat’s language definitely rubbed off on him in the year they lived together. It makes him swell up to know that they were close enough for them to start copying each other.

Other things swell up as well. His bulge had slid deeper into his nook as he read, encouraged by his hand squeezing and stroking over the sensitive skin. He moans quietly as the movement of his bulge incites deeper sparked bolts of pleasure double fold, running over sensitive areas deep within him and lighting up his bulge as it’s squeezed by his own nook. Fuuuuuuuck, that is good. 

His hand moves shakily over the keys as he types out his reply.

CG: ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT ERIDAN AMPORA IS RUNNING OUT OF CONTENT  
CA: no a course not wwho do you take me for some kind of plebeian  
CA: I can keep up  
CA: just  
CA: at wwhat cost  
CG: MMMMM

Slobbering bulge licking human Christ, how is he supposed to keep up a conversation when his bulge keeps brushing up against every nerve in his nook and his blood pusher is beating a wild tempo under his skin. Every twitch and pulse pushes it deeper, delving into the unknown depths of his nook and bumbling all through it. His head tips back and he moans, pushing his bulge in deeper with his hand. He forces his head back upright to focus on the screen. Right, Eridan, talking, advice and shit.

He can do this.

CA: im pretty sure my art teacher has it out for me  
CA: wwhy does she havve to tut evvery time she looks ovver my shoulder  
CA: like can she just not  
CA: can she just mind her owwn fucking sloppy excuse for paintings i knoww wwhat the fuck im doing and it isnt fucking fruit in a bowwl  
CA: can she get any more unoriginal  
CG: IM PRETTY SURE FFFU  
CG: IM PRETTY SURE YOUVE TOLD ME THIS BEFORE  
CA: yeah wwell ill stop wwhen she does and not a fucking second sooner  
CA: im not gonna be upstaged but an old fucking wwrench

Karkat’s eyes fall closed and his head tips back. His bulge is fucking prodding his seedflap. It is so deep inside of him it has actually found his seedflap. His seedflap flutters around the tip pulling it deeper and he just can’t anymore. He is gone. His whole body goes tense and then he’s shuddering. He just fucking shakes with every pulse of his bulge and every pull of his seedflap. He grips and releases the keyboard, his other hand pressing his bulge in as deep as it can go.

It’s a while before the aftershocks settle enough that he can open his eyes again and assess the damage.

CG: HFDCa sx52gav fsdaszbqhte  
CG: tggggggggggggr  
CA: uhhh wwhat  
CA: are you evven listenin to me  
CA: …  
CA: dont go dyin on me  
\-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] is now an idle troll! --  
CA: seriously though are you ok  
CA: do i need to come ovver there or something  
CG: SHIT  
CA: wwhat the fuck is wwrong kar i can come ovver there if i need to  
CA: dont say i nevver did anything for you  
CG: UHHH

Oh fuck. Oh shit. What does he do now? He just sent Eridan an orgasm message. Where the fuck is the undo button? 

CG: NO THAT WAS NOTHING  
CG: IS IT POSSIBLE WE CAN JUST IGNORE WHAT I JUST TYPED AND MOVE ON  
CG: YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT YOUR ART TEACHER RIGHT WHATS SHE GOTTEN INTO THIS TIME  
CA: fuck you kar no im not fucking dropping it  
CA: wwhat wwas that wwhat happened  
CA: its like you had a seazure or somethin wwere you fuckin possessed

Ha ha ha. A seizure. You would think he was laughing because he thought that was a good joke but no he is laughing because he is freaking the fuck out. His hand is still stuck in his pants and he can’t move it for fear of getting bulge juice all over his clean clothes pile. All he feels is regret. His bulge is still in his nook, slowly retracting as it deflates. 

CG: HAHA EVERYTHING IS FINE AND WE ARE GOING TO DROP THIS LINE OF QUESTIONING NOW  
CA: do you really not trust me enough to tell me  
CA: you cut me deep here man reel deep  
CG: LOOK YOU DONT JUST GET TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT ME I HAVE A RIGHT TO TELL YOU TO MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS  
CG: CAN YOU JUST DROP IT JUST THIS ONCE  
CA: not if youre hurt  
CG: IM NOT HURT OK JUST DROP IT

‘Not if you’re hurt’ he says. Karkat’s bloodpusher clenches. That’s almost a confession of pity. But he dismisses the thought. It’s just his messed up post orgasm hormones talking. His gene bladder is full of his own genetic material. He does not have the right to coherency. 

CA: ok  
CA: ill drop it  
CA: its not like the curiosity isnt going to eat at me for years to come but ill drop it  
CA: wwhat are friends for  
CG: RIGHT  
CG: THANKS

Ha ha, yes. Friends. He thinks about the relationship status that started all this mess. He wonders how they did it.

**Author's Note:**

> ~*do do do do, do do do do, life is fine*~


End file.
